abNormal

I can't recall now whether it's from Young Frankenstein, or The Man with Two Brains, but one of those movies has a scene where the mad scientist quizzes Igor about where he got the the brain that was used in the experiement.The answer is that the brain came from "Abby." "Abby who?" asks the scientist. "Abby Normal." Back in junior high I had some friends who called me "Abby Normal", for reasons that shall remain unspoken, but let's just say that I've always felt a little different. Which is why it comes as a bit of a surprise to me how persistently my mind gropes toward a 'normal' life, and how frustrated I get when my expectations are dashed.
I construct this elaborate idea of what things should be like: everyone healthy, kids cheerful and obedient, myself well-dressed, house clean, meals planned....I could go on. It's not that any of these desires are problematic in themselves. The problem comes when I start feeling that this is the way things are 'supposed' to be, that I 'deserve' a certain set of circumstances. That feeling of entitlement is so insidious. What happens is that the details subvert the larger goals so I get caught up in the trivialities. But a clean house is important only insofar as it is a blessing to the people who live there. Obedient children are praiseworthy only to the extent that their behavior reflects hearts which desire to please God. Even good health is ultimately valuable only when it is viewed as a gift from God and displayed to His glory.
Whenever I am uncomfortable (physically or mentally), I spend a LOT of energy trying to fix that situation. I want more books, more schedules, new programs, new chore charts...as if the right system will finally turn me into the Happy Housewife. I'm always striving to get back to what I think should be the status quo, some kind of 'life balance', to echo all the women's magazines. But I have begun to ask myself if that is actually a very skewed approach to my life.
I'm groping for words here, but I'm trying to describe something a little beyond a mere acknowledgement that God allows and uses difficult circumstances.  Up till recently, I have viewed whatever unpleasantness I'm currently dealing with as an anomoly. I'm trying to get through today's crisis and 'get back to normal' (there's that word again.). But in truth, our lives do not consist primarily of smooth roads with occasional potholes. It's really mostly hard miles punctuated by brief, bright moments of rest. The up and down IS normal. Maybe if I could begin to embrace this I could stop trying so hard to fix things and have more resources to cope effectively with whatever the circumstances are. Deviations from the routine are not obstacles, but rather opportunities: to learn patience, to serve, to give love, to demonstrate humilty, to see anew that I am the branch and not the Vine.

It's only rock n roll

But we like it.



 

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He Gets It

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. (Matthew 9:36 ESV)

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28 ESV)

When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. (Matthew 14:14 ESV)

Then Jesus called his disciples to him and said, "I have compassion on the crowd because they have been with me now three days and have nothing to eat. And I am unwilling to send them away hungry, lest they faint on the way." (Matthew 15:32 ESV)

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. (Hebrews 4:14-16)

I am not lost. I have a shepherd who knows exactly where I am, and EXACTLY how I feel. He understands both physical and emotional pain and will bring me safely through both. Thank God!

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Mistaken Identity

"He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: "Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.' But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!' I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted." (Luke 18:9-14 ESV)

Before I had kids, I thought I was basically an ok person: prayed, went to church, not an adulterer or drug addict, etc. I knew intellectually that I needed God, and I think I was 'saved', in that I really did have faith in Christ. But true, recognizable change of heart took a long time to manifest (not to suggest that process is by any means complete).
I just didn't see how messed up I was. I was comparing myself to others and not to God. Even though I spent a lot of years feeling discontented and sometimes even depressed, I failed to see my unhappiness as symptomatic of my spiritual poverty and pride. I was still living in the belief that I could pretty much handle life on my own and just sort of call on God when I needed the Big Guns, to handle some situation I couldn't control.

Then...motherhood. A job far beyond my skills from the very first, but one which I could not run away from, nor escape from into a fat novel, nor delegate to someone else...I was stuck in a job that I felt was vitally important but I was totally inadequate to perform well. So I found myself looking to God for help on a daily basis. Scratch that: moment-by-moment basis.

On top of my lack of skill, I also started to realize how much the 'problem' behavior of my kids was really just my own issues in smaller packages. I want to teach my kids to be generous, compassionate, to love God and their neighbors. I guess I thought I could do that while retaining my selfishness, pride, greed, impatience, etc. But how can I expect them to share their toys if I am selfish with my time? How can I teach them patience if I get ticked off and yell when they don't hurry up? How can I teach them to be compassionate and gentle if I go around angry and defensive and demanding? The short answer is: I can't. I can't give them what I don't have. And I had already figured out that I didn't have it, the task was beyond my skill. The truth is, it takes Superpowers to love others as we say we want to, as we know we should. I do not have these powers in myself. So I realize again and again that I must rely on Christ in me to do this job.


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The Problem of Pain

So here I borrow from C.S. Lewis yet again. But really it did not start with him. People through all centuries, of all faiths, have wrestled with this in some form. In everyone's life there comes a point where we look around, at ourselves and others and wonder: why so much suffering? Why grief? Why evil? Where is God?
The classic atheist position, at least as presented against the Judeo-Christian God (the one I like to just call God, cuz He is the only one) goes something like this: if God is omnipotent, then He can stop evil. If He is all-good, then He must hate evil. And yet evil exists. Therefore, there must be no God, or He must not be the all-powerful, all-good deity the Bible presents. It just doesn't compute.
I have no intention of going into all the possible responses to that here, only two that have been meaningful to me.

1. The 'problem' as described above has a big hole in the middle that most people either fail to see or refuse to acknowledge. If there is no God, no Ultimate, no Truth, then whence our idea of good? Logically, if we are not made by God and for God, then we are purposeless accidents of natural, amoral processes. So 'good' really becomes a matter of personal preference, and thus Adolf Hitler's 'good' is no less valid than anyone else's. Of course there are counter-arguments to this point, but I personally find them intellectually, emotionally, and experientially unsatisfying.


2. For those of us who trust God, and the Bible in which He has revealed Himself, we trust that even evil can be used for good by our all-powerful, all-good Savior. Why do we trust? Blindly, against all reason? Do we turn our brains on standby when we go to church? No, and I could go on endlessly about that too. But the strongest most powerful evidence for me that God uses suffering for good is the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. This was perhaps arguably the most tragic event in human history: an innocent man, convicted in an illegal court on trumped-up charges brought against him by people he never harmed, was tortured, beaten, and executed in the most horrific way possible, by soldiers who mocked and stole from him as he died. Abandoned by his friends, humiliated, naked, in agony. But the point I want to make here is this: IT WAS USED FOR GOOD, for the good of the whole world and for ME personally. And if mere salvation from sin were not enough, consider that we have a God who understands quite well everything we suffer. Have you lost a child? God knows how that feels. Have you been treated unjustly? Do you feel alone? Like no one understands? Like no one is listening? Like everyone hates you? Are you in physical pain? In prison? God GETS IT. And He will use it.