Both/And

Human beings are such paradoxes...I think that is a big part of our trouble. We are fallen, sinful creatures who yet bear the glorious image of God our Creator. We are bodies locked into time and space and gravity, with souls that long unceasingly for the transcendent reality. We are lovers of self whose greeds are vast and insatiable because our hearts can only be satisfied by doing what they were made to do: worship God.

“Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee..”  St. Augustine

That Part in the Movie

So the 'special' meds are pretty much done. The artificially induced good mood has left the building. But I'm ok with it. I do kinda wish I could have had that extra energy through the holidays...but my dr said no, it's time to stop. And also no, I can't just plan to take steroids every 90 days to get caught up on chores.

But I really am ok with it, and I really do think that the experience will have a lasting effect on my outlook. I can't stay as awake as I was, but I don't have to go all the way back to sleep.

There are moments when I look at my family, when we are laughing or singing or dancing together, and I feel great joy, but also a hint of dread, because it seems so fragile. Like the scene in a movie just before It All Comes Crashing Down. It seems too precious to last, like the swirling rainbow on a soap bubble.
There is a part of me who will always be this way. The meds kinda shorted out the connection between the joy and the dread for a while and it was a very nice vacation. But this is who I am and it's all good.




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Soft Landing

When he doesn't fall asleep mid-story, Spencer says prayers with me at bedtime. The content has evolved over time but for the last month or so, his usual answer when I ask what he wants to pray about is thus:
"Miss Tiffany, the good time we had today...and that's all I want to pray about tonight."
(Tiffany is a dear friend from church who has also babysat for us a bit. He hasn't seen her much lately, just the occasional greeting, because she recently got married. But he never fails to remember her in his prayers. Well, when he says them, I mean.)

I don't quite know why it squeezes my heart as it does when he says this; I am not so naive as to think that he truly understands what it means to pray so faithfully for someone, nor even that he really has a 'good time' every day. But...he is such.a.sweet.kid. And the world...the world is such a hard, hard place. The urge to protect him from any pain, any disappointment, any betrayal, is just overwhelming. But of course I can't. And probably shouldn't, even if it were possible. Because, God help us, it seems to be the suffering that shapes our character as humans in a fallen creation. Yes, pain can make us twisted and bitter; but if we are wise and fortunate, it molds us into people of compassion and generosity. I cannot think of a single story, be it myth or legend or novel or fable, in which comfort and pleasure are said to produce an admirable person.
I'm thinking of a quote by G.K. Chesterton as well:
"Meaninglessness comes not from being weary of pain, but from being weary of pleasure."

Maybe I'm stretching for the point here. All I really want to say is:

1. I think my kid is uber-cool;


2. I hope that the cold, cruel world does not shatter his tender heart;


3. I pray that God will give me wisdom to teach him what he needs to know.

The pic is from our visit to the pumpkin patch last month; both kids really enjoyed playing in the cotton bin. There are more cool photos from that day which I plan to post soon.

POTD Part Deaux

Another paraphrase from a podcast, this one by R. C. Sproul, Jr.:

"Smart" is not one of the fruits of the spirit. I've read it a million times and it's just not in there.

I assume he is referring to this passage, Galatians 5:22-23:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Being smart is a good thing. Being right is certainly very important. Truth matters, doctrine matters. But there is a sense in which they are peripheral. I can have all the right doctrine and perform all the rituals and check off all the boxes. And then I would be just like the Pharisees whom Jesus likened to elaborate tombs, outwardly beautiful but full of decay. (Matthew 23.27) Let me not neglect the essentials because I'm consumed with the externals.

BTW, I have taken Dr. Sproul's comment on a bit of a tangent from its context in the original lecture. But I hope I have made an honest application to my own weaknesses.

POTD*

*Paraphrase of the day. This is not a quote, because I was listening to a podcast and did not get the statement verbatim. But the idea is from R.C. Sproul:

Once we start thinking to ourselves that God ought to be merciful, we have stopped thinking about mercy. Justice can be owed. Mercy, by definition, cannot.

Mercy is undeserved kindness. So the notion that God owes it to us is sorely mistaken.


He sure has shown me a whole bunch of it though.